Paz de la Huerta on Her Art, Rebirth, and Survival
Every day at 3 p.m. I would return from high school, set my beyond-repair black Longchamp tote on my parlor chair, and open my laptop to immediately get to work. It is there that I stared at the same photo that graced my desktop background daily for years – a spilled-over Paz de la Huerta on all fours in public, showing off her Agent Provocateur wares for their latest campaign.
It was (and still is) one of the most iconic images that I have ever fawned over, one that turned Paz’s frequent mockery by the paparazzi into a glamorous, powerful strength. To me, Paz had everything in a woman that I adored: unabashed confidence, unwavering opinions, and boundless intellect, all topped off by a devil-may-care attitude.
I was perhaps twenty-one years old when I came to know Paz personally, her leaving a short but very sweet voicemail on my phone. I called her back that night, and she quickly blossomed from a person that I strongly admired as a woman, to a woman that I strongly admired as a friend.
To many outside of her sphere, Paz is talented, beautiful, glamorous, free-spirited, and fearlessly uncontrollable – a screen iconoclast oft-caught by paparazzis stripping down in public, consistently living life as free as her own fate will let her, sometimes daringly spitting in its face. But who I consistently saw, even before knowing her, was a sensitive soul and a survivor – a fierce, unapologetic woman who has been dealt an unconscionable amount of bad hands throughout her life, yet somehow ended up beating the house with all of them.
The thing about Paz, unlike many others, is that she is exactly who you think she is – tremendously self-aware, overwhelmingly confident, unabashedly unbridled, and strikingly intelligent. But beyond the infamous fanfare and widened eyes of spectators, there lies someone I have come to know who is even greater than that – a true scholar of the arts whose archival-like knowledge could easily put the greats to shame, a complex woman whose searing self-confidence never overpowers her desire to be loved, an empathetic soul who places late-night calls simply to chat and see how you are.
Paz’s legacy paves the way for my favorite type of woman: the complicated ones who are often ridiculed for the same reasons that they are adored. After all, if society hasn’t consistently built women up to rapidly break them down, then what else has it done?
Paz’s polarizing characteristics that have made her an icon are one and the same with those that have made her infamous, effectuating an abundance of ridicule along the way. The trouble is that only the strongest kinds of women ever escape this trap, often by effortlessly alchemizing other’s misjudgments about them into their own unique strengths.
Her distinct ability to persist against all odds – to persevere, to evolve, to grow – have catapulted her from a provocative, untamed sex icon to an endearing, powerful survivor, one that I am lucky enough to call a friend.
KP: I want to start by saying how kind and funny you are.
PdlH: Aw, thank you.
KP: We've known each other for almost ten years now and I have such distinct memories early on of you leaving me voicemails just to see how I was doing, which is a very rare thing for people to do today.
PdlH: You think that's true?
KP: I think it's true. I think that everybody's very swept up in their own lives today, so I take notice when people are like that. It means a lot to me.
I mention all of this though because it's in stark contrast to the way that you've been represented and almost parodied within the media – a media who has made you out to be seen as unhinged or wild or uncaring. Mostly, in a sense, to delegitimize your humanity.
PdlH: They dehumanized me.
KP: They did. But on the other hand, you're so lionized and celebrated by the people who get it. And you are an icon. How does it feel to be such a polarizing figure? Have those searing media portrayals ever affected you in a negative way?
PdlH: Yes! I mean, I happen to know firsthand that my evil godmother probably invested millions of my money into a smear campaign of me online where she had unrecognizable photographs of me printed all over the internet. It was traumatic for me and I'm still having to do a lot of damage control to fix that today. And with my own family abusing me so badly, literally wanting to kill me or put me somewhere where no one would ever hear from me again... You know, I've survived and I'm very wise now about who I let into my life. I always knew that I could trust you. But I've been really safe for two years now. I'm getting my story out, as well as the truth about how I actually look. You know, it's not that I don’t think beauty is inner, but I am also a woman – it was not pleasant. She wanted to hurt me – she was envious of me. And they wanted to make me seem crazy in the media so that people wouldn't believe the things that I had to say about them. I don't have any drugs in my system…
KP: You do not.
PdlH: I have an incredible therapist. No one can say that I'm crazy. It really is true that there was a conspiracy against me and it was at the hands of the people that I should have trusted the most – my family.
But finally, I'm safe. I escaped a few attempts on my life and I've managed to heal. I'm ready for the world to know the truth, to get my story told, and I hope that it will inspire people.
And, you know, I think I've been very brave.
KP: You have been very brave. But I think it's your personality, too. I say this with such love and admiration – because you know that I adore you – but you’re such a free spirit and you have such a striking sense of humor. I think that there are people that either get it or they don't. And the people who get it are my favorite kind of people. But I think that both of those things played a role in your media portrayal, even separate from the things that you've been through.
PdlH: Yeah, I agree with that. I started “adopting” these other people who were also abused – most are in their mid-20s. Some of them were sex trafficked, like I was. One of the boys I adopted said that my job was to unite all of the angels. And I love that, you know?
KP: I love that, too.
“I feel strong. I feel grateful. I’m happy. I never gave up.”
PdlH: Because I do feel that the people who understand me, like yourself, the people that want me to get my justice, really are angels. I feel great about the friends in my life. I was isolated for so long from those who I love very much and now even more people that I love have found me. I remember when you found me again – it was so nice hearing from you. I thank God I'm safe now.
KP: And speaking of your kindness and your humanity – and we spoke about her the last time we talked – but you've recently rescued the cutest dog in the world, Carmelita, if you can tell us a little bit about that. How is she doing?
PdlH: Well, I found her on the street in not the best neighborhood. And I don't want to say where I've been living just for my safety, but when I met her, I truly felt like our souls connected. I have to travel a lot for work and I told the guard downstairs to look after her, but when I got back from LA, she literally had a broken paw and was black. That was it for me. I had tried bringing her into the apartment before, but this time I just picked her up – she kicked and screamed, but I bathed her. I got dog shampoo – I washed her with my bare hands, I literally extracted every tick by myself. And then some friends of mine came and introduced me to someone – and I think soon enough it will be safe enough to say where I'm living – but for now we're living on a farm and she's very happy. She's killing chickens all the time.
KP: [Laughs]. She's such a troublemaker.
PdlH: Totally, but she saved my life, too. Michael Rebel, who had been my therapist before Saint Anthony, my current therapist, wrote a book called Animal Angels. And I really do believe that this dog is an angel. I think for so long, I was waiting for a man to rescue me…
KP: [Laughs].
PdlH: It’s true. But I mean, it was really crazy. The police came in the neighborhood and shot all the dogs –because in the country I've been living, they don't like dogs very much – and she was on my territory. We heard the police fire their guns and then they came with a huge garbage truck. She would have been gone. And really, I think she's me in a dog.
KP: I believe that. It's so funny – you guys are very much kindred spirits. You have a lot in common. It's very cute.
PdlH: Yeah. And now she's on the farm and she gets upset when I leave. But then when I return, I go, "Carmelita, Camilla!" And she follows me everywhere. She's really giving me a life. I think what I've always loved most is just caring about people. More than being an artist – and I am a multifaceted artist – I like caring for others. You know, me being an orphan or not having a caring family, I've always been looking for one and this dog has given me a love that I hadn't received. This dog survived. We both did.
KP: Well, it's funny, because my next question ties into that. So when I think of you, the one word that I imagine all the time is "survivor." You have both suffered and survived an unmentionable amount of abuse in your lifetime, both very publicly, and also very privately. But instead of falling victim to it all – something that many would do – you have turned your pain into advocacy, something that I couldn't be more proud of. It's so admirable. Would you like to speak a little bit about either of these and what you hope to achieve through connecting with others who have suffered as well?
PdlH: Yeah, I mean, I'm blessed. Even when I was a little girl, from a very early age, I called her my fairy godmother, Mossa, she said, "Paz, it's not enough in life to be beautiful. Life is a spiritual vocation." I've always been extremely spiritual. My faith in God made it so that I never gave up. I never lost my faith. There's an incredible story in the Bible called the Book of Job. Do you know it?
KP: I went to Catholic school my entire life until college, so [laughs]. I do.
PdlH: Yeah, so I like to think that my life is kind of like that, where I will be in a position – God willing – to hopefully have orphanages at some point in my life. That would be my dream come true. I don't necessarily have the means to do that right now, but if the judicial system would go my way against the aristocracy, I'm sure that I would. I deserve my justice. But I would like to somehow, with my bravery, be able to help other people. And I have already done that with like three or four – I wouldn't even say they are kids – but they're orphans, they don't have any family. Some of them were sex trafficked. And just with the tools that Michael Rebel and Saint Anthony gave me, I kind of coached them how to become safe, on how to start healing. And now all three of them are living very happy lives. That makes me happy. So that's something that hopefully, as you know, once my story is told, I would love to do on a bigger level.
But I've survived, like you said. And thank you for acknowledging that. I mean, I even remember Michael Rebel – he worked at a trauma center in Florida – many kids that would end up there came from very wealthy families. And the problem was that most of their therapists were employed by the very ones that were abusing them. Most of them would just do what the parents wanted, because that's how they were getting their paycheck. But Michael, he would meet someone and say, "Hi, my name is Michael, like Saint Michael. My last name, Rebel." He would teach these kids and even adults how to get away from their families. And it didn't matter to him who was paying the bill – he cared about whoever he was trying to help. He cared about keeping them safe. People abuse their power. I mean, some people have been like, "Oh, you come from a rich family, you must be so lucky." No, that's not true. They made my situation that much harder. They went to great degrees to silence me because they have the means to.
But Michael – and now my current therapist because Michael passed in 2021 – gave me every tool that I needed to get away from them. It was terrifying. And maybe it was much more difficult to escape my family than it would have been to come from a poor abusive family because my family was so terrified of being exposed.
KP: But most of all now, you're getting your life back – you're safe, you're working, you're happy, you're healthy. I couldn't be more thrilled to see it. How are you feeling these days?
PdlH: I feel strong. I feel grateful. I'm happy. I never gave up.
KP: Definitely.
PdlH: I'm very happy. I'm happy that my story is finally going to be told and I have faith in one way or another that justice will be served. I'm doing exactly what Michael told me to do. He told me that art was the cure for everything that I had been through. And it really is. I paint, I just finished a movie in Spain, I'm going to do a movie with Tony Kaye, I am finally having my first art show in Paris. My family was also stealing my art and selling it – I rescued like fifteen paintings in Paris. And now where I've been living, I've been making new art. I was just in Paris and met with the gallery – it's beautiful. I'm happy that I'm not a tragedy in the end, you know?
KP: You're the opposite, which is a very admirable thing. So you have this upcoming exhibition in Paris, which I'm very excited for. I adore your paintings, but you know that. Can you tell us a little bit about the upcoming show and also just about your creative process in general? Because of course everybody knows you as an actress, but you're an incredible artist as well.
PdlH: Yeah, thanks. Well, I paint with watercolors and inks. And I paint a lot of crying angels. The artworks in the show, some I did in 2018 – those I made during a very painful point in my life, but it was my subconscious figuring it all out. I managed to rescue those. And then I've made new ones. It's still my way of processing everything. I did these gigantic paintings called "Fairy Forest." And I'm really happy because now I'm actually living in something that actually looks like a fairy forest. I'm living on a beautiful farm with horses and animals – I've been painting those images. But my process is that I use watercolors and inks. My philosophy on art is that it unveils itself to you. I could work on a painting forever, but I have this process where I take an oil resin and I put it on top of the painting after I finish it – even if I'm putting it on watercolors – and then the inks and the watercolor kind of take on its own life. Then it's glazed and it dries for like six days, so I can't touch it. But then in the end, it's really just God working through me, and it kind of seals the painting. Some of the newer paintings don't have that resin, but I'm happy with them. We're also going to project the first three minutes of Valley of Tears on a wall in the gallery as well. And then as soon as I have the money to film the final eight minutes, I'll do that. But for the gallery show, as of now, there will be about thirty paintings. I just met with Nils, the gallery owner – Kenny Schachter is curating – and I think that it will create a really incredible environment. Francesco Clemente wrote an introduction for me, so did Fulvio Abbate. I feel it will be a powerful show.
KP: I think so too, and just for people reading this, The Valley of Tears is incredibly beautiful. I remember you sharing a little clip with me and it's just stunning. I can't wait for you to finish it.
PdlH: Thank you.
KP: So you have an upcoming film, The Roots, as well as another with Tony Kaye. Can you tell us a little bit about those as well, if there is anything that you can say publicly?
PdlH: The Roots I just filmed in Spain and that's with Agnes Bruckner – it's kind of like a thriller. That was my first film since Puppy Love. I really just wanted to get back into acting – I feel good about it. And the next film I have is a remake of a Korean film called Always. Joe Vinciguerra wrote the script and Tony Kaye is directing it. I play a blind beauty pageant queen. It's a love story and Carmelita has a role in it, actually.
KP: [Laughs]. She does? That’s very cute.
PdlH: Very, yeah.
KP: You've taken part in so many iconic campaigns and images throughout the years and even as a friend, I'm just so curious since this is something that I've never asked you before – what has been your favorite shoot, if one comes to mind?
PdlH: I loved working with Bettina Rheims. I think she's wonderful.
KP: Those photos were beautiful. I remember them.
PdlH: And I love Mark Seliger – the incredible, iconic photos he took of me for New York.
KP: Did he take the one of you on the fire escape?
PdlH: Yeah.
KP: That's one of my favorites.
PdlH: And of course, my first nude shoot ever was with Mario Sorrenti. I'll never forget that – it took place in the Russian bathhouse. And Nan Goldin... the first film I did even before The Cider House Rules and The Object of My Affection was Luminous Motion. Nan was the on-set photographer when I was 12. I mean, how lucky can you get?
KP: Wow, that's incredible.
“Be provocative. Be rebellious. But it’s all about healing in the end. I would love when people read my memoir, for them to get something out of it – for them to heal.”
PdlH: Nan really touched my heart because she had to do a story on me after I did Enter the Void. She came to my little apartment on Gay Street, touched my face, and said, "Paz, I know. I know what you went through making this movie. I know that he did horrible things to you. And I just want you to know that I will always film you as you are – beautiful." Because she felt that I had been – even at that point – dehumanized in some way. So I love Nan. I would love for her to do the cover of my book, because I always felt that I have some maternal thing with her.
KP: That would be brilliant. She's truly remarkable.
What do you feel is the best advice you've been given? And who was it from? It's a tough question. Maybe something doesn't come to mind.
PdlH: Actually, something does. And I just made a series of paintings about real conversations that I had with Saint Michael – Michael Rebel, my therapist – it was right before he passed. I said to him, "What was my life?" And he went, "Your life was a tragedy. But as with all tragedies, Paz, you've already weathered the storm. You can have any life that you want now." And that's pretty powerful. I think that anyone can take that advice, even under the most dire of circumstances. You've weathered the storm and now you can have any life that you want. Even with The Valley of Tears, it's about the tribulations you go through before you reach heaven.
KP: That’s strikingly beautiful. He was an incredible man.
As someone who has lived through and persisted so much, what advice would you lend to women about perseverance? Is there anything in particular that has helped you get through everything that you have over the years?
PdlH: My faith in God and some very key relationships I've had in my life with men that acted like father figures, such as my therapist, Michael Rebel, and my current therapist, Saint Anthony. Jack Nicholson is very important to me, too. And my friendships. Not having any family to speak of, my friends are my family, you know? And animals, too. I would say at the end of the day – and people might not – but I'm not superficial at all.
KP: No, you're really not, it’s true.
And my final question – we always end every interview with this question. What do you feel makes a provocative woman?
PdlH: Being rebellious, but in the best sense of the word, where you take your power back – you fight. Michael Rebel used to always say, "Paz, rebel!" And sometimes that was really hard for me because I'm so sweet by nature. But I had to rebel – he was right. And to make a provocative woman, I think that every woman must have their own version of that.
So I would say to be rebellious, but in the best sense of the word. Like Vivienne Westwood was – a true punk. She spent most of her life trying to help other people. And the climate.
KP: Well I think that is very punk, really. Especially in today's world, it's rebellious to care for other people.
PdlH: Exactly. That's much more powerful than – well, I mean, I don't even want to say so much of the bullshit that's going on in this world. Vivienne is a huge inspiration for me. She was always a real friend to me. At my worst, she shut down the entire Paris Fashion Week to see what was happening with me. She tried to help me, but I was in no state at that time to even explain what was happening. But now I've survived, I'm safe, I'm healed... you know, I wrote a letter to Andreas [Kronthaler] when she passed – he's so proud of me. But yeah, helping others heal I think is probably the most provocative thing that you can do. And to focus on inner beauty and your own healing. I mean, look, I hate to say it, but karma is real. Anyone that hurt me ain't doing so well.
KP: I believe that. I believe in karma for sure.
PdlH: But be provocative. Be rebellious. It's all about healing in the end. I would love when people read my memoir, for them to get something out of it – for them to heal.
KP: I think that they will.
PdlH: I mean we all need to heal, right?
KP: We do. And I know that they will.
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Photography: Vincenzo Magnani
