Body Language: Know What They Mean Without Even Saying A Word
As a queer woman, I have seen enough Kristen Stewart memes to last me a lifetime. When I lived in Los Angeles, I ran into her often and noticed that some of her most iconic on-screen body language translated to the aisles of our local healthy grocery store – lip-biting.
So why does one of our favorite actors bite her lip so much? According to an article on body language by Psych Mechanics, it could be anxiety, frustration, repression, confusion, concentration, or a mixture of all of the above. And yet, it has become an endearing (and, for some, attractive) quality that makes us love Stewart even more. Why? Another meaning behind lip biting could be that she’s trying to contain her excitement.
It gives her an aura of mystery; we aren’t sure if she’s frustrated with us, needs our help, or can’t wait to see us. It’s complicated and sexy, just like her fans see her.
Witnessing her in real life, she was probably lip-biting over which juice to pick. Yet, I knew something intimate about her inner psychology just from seeing her do the same thing in many roles.
And becoming famous for it.
In this way, body language becomes almost like sorcery when you learn to be aware of it and can modify your body language in certain situations.
Body language has a more scientific term – kinesics. The art of kinesics is to observe different postures or movements of the body as they communicate non-verbally. In simpler terms, how you hold yourself, maintain (or avoid!) eye contact, and even the gestures and touches that you make can convey a message that your words aren’t saying.
When I first learned about kinesics – through an old therapist and through training in neuro-linguistic programming – I was skeptical about how it could make a difference in relating to other people. My words are truthful; that should be enough, right? An article by The University of Texas says that 55% of communication is nonverbal, and only 7% of it is the words that you use. Suddenly, so much of how people perceived me made total sense.
I call it “Resting Goth Face.” People have always said I look moody or sad, which is not untrue.
At heart, I am very goth, but I don’t always want to project like that to a new friend or a prospective job.
To test out some of my body language learnings, I tried a few things to look “happier,” things that would generally make me uncomfortable – raising my eyebrows when I talk, mirroring the other person’s body language, and taking up space with my body which includes an open posture and using lots of hand movements. Sure, smiling works, but many people are suspicious of constant smilers.
The results? People were much more open to me, and I was given a few things I didn’t ask for – for free!
While I don’t shift my body language in my day-to-day world very much, I find that using appropriate body language in certain situations – especially in romantic or intimate relationships – can calm triggered emotions, convey an innate sense of love, and relieve disorganized conflict. Sometimes, you want to say things that words can’t express.
It can also encourage your partner to be open to consensual, intimate situations. In that way, body language can be a fantastic tool for shy or inexperienced lovers to both practice on themselves and observe in others.
So, where can you start with body language?
The most straightforward formula would be one from kinesics expert Albert Mehrabian – context, clusters, and congruence. Other researchers have also included consistency and culture.
Context is understanding your environment, history with that person, and what you might be trying to get from them. For example, if someone smiles at you from across the bar, you might read that as flirtation. If you are in a library and a passerby smiles at you when they walk by, you might read that as friendly.
Clusters means observing different aspects of body language to give us the complete picture of what someone is trying to convey. If someone smiles at you in a bar but immediately looks down and starts texting someone or turns their body away from you and doesn’t make eye contact, they are not as open to flirtation. If that person who smiles at you passing you by at the library turns to look at you again and wink, they show a cluster of interest.
Congruence asks us to observe if their body language matches their words. If the same person at the bar is love bombing you after a few drinks, but they aren’t turning their body towards you or keeps looking away, they might be distracted or not as interested as they convey. Their actions and their words are incongruent and may facilitate a feeling of mistrust. And if the person at the library is being overtly flirtatious and asking for your number, their actions are congruent.
Consistency and culture are also important. Consistency is where we observe body language over time, and culture reminds us that different cultures have rules around gestures, eye contact, and posture that may differ significantly from our own. Culture can even translate to a city, a school, a job, or a community of like-minded people. It is important to note that certain kinds of body language don’t translate to neurodivergent people or to people with trauma. Understanding your body language may be more challenging, so consent is also necessary.
Keeping all that in mind, here are some tips for increasing positive body language in your relationships.
Open Your Heart (Literally)
An open heart space area shows that people attracted to and interested in them. It also makes them more attracted to you. You can block your heart by crossing your arms over your chest, clutching your purse, and holding your cardigan closed like a character from Big Little Lies.
Instead, hold your arms open – think of having a cocktail or coffee. Keep your chest high – that’s where good posture comes in. Turning your whole body towards someone is similar to that sign of trust when a cat shows you their belly. Laughing loudly with your neck and head thrown back is a surefire way to show that you are open to being enchanted if you haven’t already gotten there!
Quiet Confidence
The most attractive person in a room is often the one with the most mystery and a soft, amiable nature. I like to call this Quiet Confidence. Quiet Confidence means making sustained eye contact and then looking away and smiling – showing how you feel without expressing it verbally too much. Just the right amount of touch and skin contact.
It is good to let your glance linger, but do you have to let it linger? (Cue that Cranberries song.) Actually, no.
Studies show that some of the things that we’ve learned are sexy – like deep, intense eye contact – can actually be somewhat intimidating to most people.
Look at them with interest, look away smiling, then look back with a sense of enjoyment. That is the magic formula.
Can’t make eye contact in the first place? Looking between someone’s eye or the tip of their nose might help those more averse to eye contact.
Calm and Still
While fidgeting can be super endearing to people, it isn’t always perceived as sexy, although it can be perceived as coy. For example, playing with your hair is innocent fidgeting that projects shyness, while bouncing your knee usually shows anxiety or boredom. Constantly glancing down at your phone or checking the time are forms of fidgeting that can also be looked at as not being present.
Fidgeting usually signifies that you are uncomfortable or restless in some way or that the person isn’t significant enough for you to give your full attention to.
It’s a brutal reminder in the digital era, I know.
Almost all of us have these bad habits, especially when we get deep into a relationship.
If you can practice being still, present, and aware during fights or listening to your partner’s needs, this attention will hopefully increase their trust in you in all the ways that matter most.
Notice Their Sensual Models
In NLP, or neuro-linguistic programming, we often refer to a person’s “model of the world.” This model is how someone perceives the world through different systems like values, traditions, etc.
How people perceive the world can also be enhanced by their senses and, most notably, their dominant sense or representational system. We can divide their representational systems into the five primary senses: visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory, and gustatory.
This strongly influences what someone favors and how they communicate in general.
For example, a kinesthetic person is going to learn easiest from doing something with their hands and may use the words “I feel…” more than “I see…” or “I hear you.” So, how does this relate to body language? You can observe people’s sensory preferences and then enhance the things they love. That same kinesthetic person might stroke their arm unconsciously when smiling at you; speaking of the fidgeting mentioned above, this might be a sort of sensual fidgeting expressing a restless attraction. You might want to ask to hold their hand or stroke their cheek.
A more auditory person will be interested in listening to everything you say when they are very attracted to you, so notice when someone is all ears with you. You can also ensure that what they are listening to is pleasant – whether it is your voice or music.
A visual person might walk around inspecting your apartment if they are interested in you – bring out more things for them to look at. And the gustatory and olfactory people might love going to decadent dinners or complimenting your perfume. Show them that you are paying attention to their Sensual Models by enhancing the tastes and smells around them. Some people can have a strong preference for two models. For example, I am kinesthetic-olfactory, which is touch-scent. I will always appreciate when someone shows up being as deliciously fragrant as they are soft to the touch – think a smokey perfume oil and a cashmere sweater.
Intimacy is an experience you have with yourself and another person, so while some body language can be formulaic and perspective-based on experts in kinesics, the best way to connect with someone is to notice what makes them feel uncomfortable and what makes them feel good.
Smiling (for a certain amount of time), being interested, and open is 90% of it.
Listening, learning, and adapting to this new knowledge is about 7%, and the rest is ineffable.
Perhaps we’ll call it chemistry.
That’s why when Kristen Stewart bites her lip, it may be a sign of her anxiety but it could also just be the chemistry between a star and her audience.
And that is not something that can be easily (or honestly) manufactured.
